This past weekend marks 16 years on the other side of the “should” life. Like most of the world, on this day 16 years ago I sat and watched the World Trade Towers tumble. I was on my friend’s mum’s couch, having been burned out of my very own bed just two days before this news hit the TV screen I was now sitting in front of.
It had been a weekend of big events, my friend in England died on the Friday. We used to party and do (recreational) drugs together when I practiced in London. His liver finally failed and he slipped over to the other side.
The following morning I was scheduled to meet my running group to train for a marathon to raise money for the San Francisco AIDS Foundation. I had found trying to do something for myself was futile, so I was trying to make change for something bigger than me.
I wouldn’t make the training session that day. A homeless man walked out in front of me on Market Street, it was drizzling and the road was slick. It didn’t help that the tires of my friends SUV (loaned to me to get to training) went over the MUNI tracks, also slick from the rain, causing the car to spin out of control. No-one was hurt, though the car needed $600 of repairs.
On Sunday, my home burned down with me in my bed and my roommate in his. The phone rang at 6 am and thankfully he got up to answer it. There was no-one at the other end of the phone, the Fire Inspector later suggested it was an Angel-we tend to agree! The front of our house was completely on fire. So much so that I couldn’t get out, I couldn’t find the door to let myself out. The noise was deafening as fire worked her way through all our belongings leaving nothing but ashes.
I got to experience the feeling that I was about to die when I couldn’t find the door that I used every day to leave the apartment, and then poof, I was naked from the waist down running up my quiet neighborhood street. It was 6 am on Sunday morning, most of our neighbors were sleeping as the raging flames spat out from our living room window bringing power cables spurting in the street like demonic serpents.
My friend’s mother took me in and gave me shelter. My roommate’s brother bought us some clothes and shoes to leave the hospital. It was still only Sunday night, the weekend was one I would never forget, and little did I know more was coming.
Not much happened on Monday, I was in shock at the loss of my home, almost everything I owned and the empty feeling inside that I couldn’t shake off.
On Tuesday morning my friend’s sister rang from Texas. She told us her to turn on the TV, “America is at war” she told my friend.
Every channel had the same news, the World Trade Towers had come tumbling down. I had worked in those towers, my first firm had offices there.
Stop the world, I want to get off. Those five days were my ultimate wake up call. I had no idea what lay ahead of me but I was pretty damned certain it needed to be different.
Upon closer introspection I realized that it was me that needed to be different.
[Tweet “Yesterday I was clever and wanted to change the world, today I am wise and want to change myself.” Rumi]
And that news was terrifying. Where would I begin? What would I change first? How would I make the change when I had failed for so many years? How could I do something different when being a lawyer is what I trained for? What kind of mad woman gives up her career when she’s at the best of the best and the world (so they say) is at her feet?
I didn’t have the answers to these and many more questions but there was thing I did know, things had to change, radically, drastically, and there was no time for my (then) plan of leaving law at the age of 40, still another 7 years away.
I couldn’t stand being in the office after my Spirit almost got called home. It felt there was more to be had in life but was clueless as to where to start!
I was still here, precious life force pumping through my veins, and I wanted more. I would not live quietly in my pain anymore. I just couldn’t. And here we are, many lessons and blessings later.
It’s been a journey with its own unique challenges and pitfalls, no one gets out of this one, we all get challenges and pitfalls along the way, we call it picking our challenges.
They’ve been a wonderful 16 years, even in the most challenging of times, and there have been and continue to be, many of those.
I’ve spent more and more time in nature with the one I love, and I am building a business sharing the tools that have helped me create a life that feels better for me, bugger what everyone else thinks I should be doing.
It didn’t happen overnight, but my body, mind and life changed so much that the old life is barely perceptible these days. And it’s all down to changing my habits-which it turns out has nothing to do with motivation and willpower and everything to do with my (and your) habits which, it turns out, all start in our
mind!
Is there something you want to change something in your life?
Perhaps like me, losing weight is part of the change? Maybe you’ve tried everything. Some probably worked, for a time, but chances are if you are here the weight came back on, perhaps with a few extra pounds for good measure. My gain backs always came with a little more. Know it’s not about diet and it’s not your fault.
Maybe your weight is fine but you feel hollow and empty inside, the worst kind of lonely a soul can feel. And to make matters worse, it looks like you have it all, so what is there to complain about? And you try to embrace it all but in the darkness of night with just you and your soul you find yourself feeling empty and hollow inside. It’s not you, and it’s not your fault.
Perhaps you’re in a relationship that you know is killing you softly but you can’t see how you’d ever make it alone. Or maybe that’s just the problem, you are not in a relationship and you so desperately want to be love and be loved but the ones you date are not the ones you want to keep around for the long haul. Again it’s not you and it’s not your fault.
The big news here is that none of this is your fault. It is not your fault but it is in your control. And this is where change truly happens. When we release ourselves from the blame train and become the co-pilot in life we were born to be.
So not it’s you, but it is your habits. Check out this free, no opt in, content rich class Change Your Habits, Change Your Life with me. I share the tools that got me started with making and sustaining the changes I wanted to make. It can be easy to make change for a year or two but this is now almost two decades that I have been using these tools to get to know my mind so I can work on doing anything I set my mind to and say adios to willpower and motivation as the key players on my change team.
There’s nothing to lose, the class is an hour and I think you will be so happy you tuned in, today is a great day to start anew and I will be here every step with you, alone we can do so much, together we can do so much more.
Always in love
Sat nam ?????