And that’s a wrap and those are my (fat) rolls…why I’m falling in love with, and sharing, my fat rolls

If you’d have told me I would go public in a bikini, let alone one where I’m not sucking it all in (not that that has ever been possible but one does one best, and there’s always a way o finnagle and finesse, find a more flattering angle, choose as filter, crop a little and boom, you’ve got a photo of you that kinda sorta looks like you, but hey who’s comparing?

Well perhaps no-one is (they really aren’t, if you think about it realistically how much time do you have to think about how others compare-the answer here should be no time, I got enough sh*t of my own to deal with-and if the answer was. are you kidding I always notice what (insert name(s)) looks like, I understand, I have been there too-it’s a solitary place-and not a place you have to stay. Read on, There is hope).

But in many ways, perhaps it doesn’t even matter if someone is or isn’t comparing, because, something else much more important matters here.

The only one who matters is the one you can’t hide from, cuz, yep you got it, it’s YOU babe. You’re the one you can’t hide from, change angles, light and filters all you like, but you are the one you go to bed with at night, you are one that you live with in your mind, you are the one that catches a glimpse of yourself when you pass a mirror or car/shop window.

And that can be tough. In fact for so many of us the way we detract from the discomfort of truly “seeing’ ourselves and accepting, let alone loving all of it, is to go straight to our habitual way of coping-cookie car, bottle of the bottle, one more cigarette, shopping sprees, over working and more.

We are all a work in progress and not forgetting that our Spiritual beings is here in human form, this can make life a precarious dance, especially around the topic of body image and looks. I know I’ve been more conscious of my body in a negative way than I have in a positive, and what a huge amount of time I have spent wishing it was some other way, a little (or a lot) thinner here, if only I had a shape and not so up and down, oh these thick legs of mine, and on it goes. Or so it went.

And then I got into a new space about my weight, it truly is a reflection of how I feel in my life. In that sense it is the most profound tool at my disposal and I have abused for most of my 50 yers walking the planet.

I’m happy to report that there has (recently and yet 18 years in the making) been a shift in my thinking. I have started falling in love with my little rolls, they aren’t a big as they were, but here’s a secret from someone who has been 212lbs and 125lbs and everything in between-there wasn’t one weight where I finally felt “OK”m it doesn’t matter whether they are bigger or smaller.

When you wish you were as thin as when you thought you were fat. This was a big realization for me. And it all came about from the “On this day” app in FaceBook. I looked at my memory and had the thought that I wished I was as thin as when I thought I was fat. It was a sobering moment. And it wasn’t the only one, as I said I am a work in progress and have been making friends with who I am and how I look-it’s perhaps the most challenging of tasks I have ever undertaken.

But here I am, posting pics of my least flattering angles, no filters and no messing, just me, myself and I, as I am today which is different to how I will be tomorrow. One thing I know is that my weight is constantly giving me feedback about where I am in my mind and life. In the past I chose to ignore, or more often, numb it with (over) achieving success, drinking, drugs, and food,

One by one I have been eliminating sources of discomfort that send me to these vices.  The habits and triggers run deep. The work is ever constant. But today, post 50th birthday, I can say I am no longer hating on my fat rolls. So let’s take a look at them….

And that’s a wrap and those are my rolls 🙂

 

That’s a wrap and those are my rolls.
This one was post workout in the kitchen. My new normal is that there is no normal, not since I was in the ER at the beginning of June, Some days I can’t work out because my kidney aches and today I could, so I did. So often we spend more attention on what we can’t control and become distracted with what we can’t.

So I’ve been practicing paying attention to my inner voice and mental chatter.

And I’m not all the way, but you know it feels like anything we are fearful or ashamed of, casting light on it always diffuses it hold.

So this is me casting a light on an age old wound that has become too big of a burden to drag around. The Anais Nin quote comes to mind:

And then the day came, when the pain to remain, closed tight in a bid, became more than the pain it took to blossom.

Or, as His Holiness the Dalia Lama says, Only when we feel the revulsion with samsara will we effect a change. Both quotes speak to the heart of the matter, we make change when what is becomes more painful than the pain involved in finding out what could be on the other side of what is.

There is so much liberation to be found in casting a light into the dark corridors of our fear and shame, so today, unplanned, I share some of my what has caused me deep shame in the past, and maybe it has been a source of shame for you, maybe it still is.

I know I am skimming the upper layers on this quest, and I know that there will (likely) be plenty of opportunity to put my new found perspective into practice.

 There’s a sunbeam across my heart chakra. This is me in my naked glory. This body has served me for 50 years and I have not been the best of guardians. I have spent the past 16 years studying and putting into practice mind-body connections. It’s forever work, and it pays off, yay for that!

So if you’re still in the mire of loathing, take heart, it is possible to get to a place that has more peace. I won’t say it’s all sweetness and roses, it’s not, but it is worth it.

Having never been photographed in a bikini I don’t know what to do so I get goofy! Only 3rd bikini shot in 35 years!

Now I’ve bared it all, I’d love to hear from you. In a world of photo-shopped perfection if is for us to come together and celebrate all of who we are and the light we shine into the world, and yes that includes learning to love our rolls along the way.

That’s all from me today-a lot more than I usually share. Phew. This vulnerbaility game is not for the weak of heart. Love to you and thank you for joining me, it’s so much better with you here.

Alone we can do so much, together we can do so much more.

Always in love

Sat nam