And the Wheels of Sabotage Go Round and Round. Declaring the End of A Cycle

I am constantly musing about our, ok, my, ability to plan and think and think and plan as a way of distracting ourselves (yes, myself) from doing what we really want to do yet are afraid of doing.

Do you relate?

After more than a decade of watching myself plan and think, think and plan, I have become more attuned to the subtle forces of my inner saboteur! Planning and thinking are great if followed with action. And that is often the missing component.

Tis easier to sit and contemplate, ironing out all the small details in our minds, than it is to actually put the ideas and plans into action.  After all action requires us to do something.

On the one hand planning and thinking are necessary to a growing life, but on the other they can be the distraction that keeps us from going for what we really want deep down inside but are afraid of having.

It is a dance between an ever pervasive yearning and the dark shadows of the fear of what would happen if plans and dreams actually came to life.

In the past few years I have watched myself and supported clients doing the same dance. I know plans and dreams can come true or can be left to die before even being born, it is all about the action we take that determines our results.

Every time is different yet every time something is always the same, tis the dance of sabotage vs success.

And as much as we fear failure it appears (some) are more fearful of succeeding than of failing.

Sounds weird right?  Why would we want something and then make ourselves fail? 

Present in all our lives, for some, Self-Sabotage is an life-long art form that has been honed and practiced (yes, including me).  Success becomes something to yearn for but not to expect. 

It is the carrot dangling in front of us, keeping the wheels of habit going round and round, round and round.

We never catch the carrot because as we get closer we want a bigger or different carrot and so it goes round and round.

Or we get it (success) and then feel like we don’t belong and that’s it’s only a matter of time until everyone knows it too.  The only way out is to self-sabotage a reason or event to put a halt to the success already achieved.

For me, one big repeated act of Self-Sabotage was losing the same weight OVER and OVER again, each time harder than the previous and each time vowing to be my last knowing that it would never really be over and entering the downward spiral again.

Shit if I added up all the pounds I have lost since my disdain with my body started as a pre-teen, I would be in the minus figures!

Self-sabotage involves us in a kind of war, an inner and often unseen war, with ourselves, our circumstances and our destiny.

Sabotage is the antithesis of success.

Think about your upbringing and environment, if someone said. “Have you heard the news about (you)?”, what would the rections be:

Horrifed? “OMG what has she done now?”, or

Celebratory?  “What heights has she climbed this time?”

Chances are it is the former and if it is the latter this post is probably not for you!

We expect people to fail and when we expect it for others, we can only expect it for ourselves as well.  And of course, as human beings we love to be right, so we will also manifest teh circumstances for our subsequent downfall to prove ourselves right-it’s truly an effed scenario to be stuck in!

It is interesting is that there is no definition for Self-Sabotage, which begs the question is there really any such thing?

Simply put, sabotaging behavior happens when we are nearing something we want, having (generally) achieved a measurable level of success.  In some way, shape or form when fear of success comes up we can magically produce events and reasons to put a bog ol’ wrench in the works.

For me, these have been things such as people telling me I look great, finances starting to come back into balance after a lack, meeting the love of my life after I had all but given up on it happening-all of these seemingly wonderful incidences sparked a downward spiral in my well-being, knocking me off balance, I made decisions from a (very subconscious) fear of success.

At first I didn’t quite believe it but after watching myself I can pinpoint where something went from an upward spiral to a downward, one shift is all it takes!  Once my success was noticed by the outside world a fear sprang up that I couldn’t keep it up or didn’t belong, all kinds of crap goes through my head.

It’s a sure fire way to not only halt any progress in play but to also to reinforce the subliminal message of unworthiness, and so the wheels go round and round.

We only have to think about it for a minute to see that self-sabotage is actually woven into our very fabric of being, some have more threads than others, but no-one escapes the weft and weave of the blanket of self-sabotage. 

Some may be better at identifying and dealing with it, or have a more acute awareness of it than others, but in the dark hours we all have something to wreck!

Probably the biggest thing I have learned about the nature of Self-Sabotage is that is ever present and therefore needs only to be watched to find the patterns it runs in and through.

Finding the key to your self-sabotage triggers is the first step to changing the pattern that follows.  There is no final answer, there is no plan to live a sabotage free life but when you befriend your inner saboteurs and start to get to know why they do what they do, you may get answers to other questions too.

My recent acts of sabotage have been around this very post.

It is more than a year since I published a post.  There are many reasons behind the absence but these are just excuses in the form of reasoning.

There are so many times I want to share something we are doing or making with you.  From recipes to the 5 new essential oil blends I made this past weekend, to truly living a life that you love moment to moment, to dropping the weight of life so you can fly-all these things and more I have wanted to share.

But I kept telling myself I couldn’t just hop onto the blog after a year and write a post on beet vergers or similar. And then I started the “next week” “when we are away” “when we get back” blah blah planning shit that just got shifted until I made a shift and actually took action (come to the coffee shop with laptop and a plan if returning with a post).

And even if I did just write a post, who would read it?  Why would I think anyone cares about what I have to say?  And who am I to tell anyone else how to live their life?

These are the words of my inner saboteur, I know they are not true (apart from who’s reading this, I have no idea if anyone is out there) and what’s more, even if they were true, it doesn’t matter.

I want to write.  I want to speak. I want to share.

There, I said it.

And I am just going to keep on doing these things.

Whether anyone reads it or not, writing is all I have ever wanted to do but have been afraid to do, so this is one more start on the path.

12 years ago my life was a mess that I would never have shared publicly. 

Today, my life is so beautiful, all I want is for everyone to know happiness and inner peace are possible, perhaps different choices need to be made but ultimately nothing beats inner peace :).

Tonight I will go to bed and getting the first post up and out will no longer be on my list, it has taken a while but better to be moving (albeit slowly) forward than backsliding (again!).

And post by post I will be back. I do hope you will be here too.

I know I will never be able to stop sabotage but the more I get to know her the smoother we dance!

Declaring an end to this cycle and the opening of a new one.

How about you, how smooth is your dance with your inner saboteur?

Do you ever find yourself saying that you will do _____ next week, tomorrow, next month, only to find yourself next month saying the same thing…AGAIN?  

What does it take for you to get your ass into gear and do the thing you have been planning and thinking about?  Or are you still planning and thinking stuck in the downward spiral?

Make it a wonder-filled week, we will have lots more on the topic of sabotage, tis a fascinating one indeed!

Live. Love. Be Loved.

PS I will be back with more musings from this amazing journey.  Next week is my 12 year anniversary of surviving the fire and walking out of the life I had created for one I did not even know existed.

I will sharing stories of how I had to nearly die in order to live over the next few posts.