Oh how my mind whirs-the only constant is change, Part 1

At the beginning of this year, I started a new eating routine.  To be honest my mind needed a reset and my body, well my body was hanging onto an extra 20 lb, and the two, the state of my body and my mind, were intrinsically linked.

As most often happens, I was not too happy when the news filtered in that a shift was needed.  I had reached my (self imposed) maximum edge.

Having released 85 lb, and kept it off for 16 years, I’ve learned a few things about myself along the way.  I know I have to have a maximum edge I don’t want to lose myself again.

18 years ago I was 212 lb and growing.  I was lost inside my own body.  My health was failing, I was in the hospital two to three times a year with kidney infections.  I had two spinal taps to test for meningitis, one of which was positive, rendering me in my bed, in darkened room for two months.

I’ve lost and gained more weight than I care to count.  This photo was an eye opener when I got it back from developing-ha, that dates me right there, who takes film to be developed in this digital age?  It was all we had back then and I can still remember how I felt taking it out of the envelope.

It was 3 a.m. in our hotel bar in New York.  We had worked yet another 15 hour day on the tobacco litigation.  For two weeks, we got up at 6 a.m. to get to the office by 7 a.m. and worked until 1 or 2 a.m.

We ate fast food in the office, breakfast, lunch and dinner, and all the cookies we wanted in between. Hey we were in New York, it was fast food heaven.  Not to mention working in one of New York’s finest law firms where all our needs were taken care of.

I came home and finally joined Weight Watchers.  I knew I needed a change and together with Helen, also in the photo, we set off on a weekly trek to Weight Watchers.  I went on to lose 55 lb and felt great, for a while.

Then I came to San Francisco on what began as a temporary work assignment.  And guess what? The weight found me again, along with a little extra.  Isn’t that the way it always happens? As I already mentioned, I had lost and regained more weight than I cared to count.

I had spent 22 precious years yo-yo dieting. And here I was, in my mid 30’s. the height of my professional success, and feeling more desolate inside than I ever had before. I couldn’t help but think I had taken a wrong turn somewhere along the way. But I had made my bed, now I had to lie in it.

It would be here, after spending 9 months traveling back and forth between my New York and London office, and finally transferring to SF Office, that the scale would tip 212 lb.

The hand on the scale kept going, 180, 200, 210…and finally stopped at 212. And with that I would reach my lowest edge. In spite of the smiles I would muster up for the camera (most of which involved alcohol), I was desperate inside.

I looked into the mirror and stared at the person looking back at me, where had I gone, how had this happened, and what the f*ck was I supposed to do to make a change?

And before you think I wasn’t doing anything, along with my 60-100 hour work weeks, I was a member of the Bay Club, an elite gym in San Francisco. I worked out with a trainer two or three times a week-I recently came across a monthly invoice for $880 for one month of training! And still the scale went up and I went down.

It wasn’t just about how I looked on the outside, it was how I felt on the inside that was the most painful. In spite of the smiles on the outside I had no idea what joy felt and tasted like.

It would take a solo trip to Mexico and almost dying 11 months later for me to find the path that would lead me the way I feel today. It would turn out to be a journey that I could never have imagined.

In my 30’s I saw myself as broken by 50. And here I am, feeling better in my mind and body than I ever have, even with this pesky kidney hiccup that is nailing me to the present moment. But let’s leave the next part for tomorrow, this is long enough for today.

Come back tomorrow as I share the happy part of this story, one thing i know for sure is that it is NEVER too late to live life the way you want, none of us are the same and each of us has a path, I truly believe our purpose is to find that path and that our challenges are the clues along the way.

See you tomorrow my love
Sat nam

  1. Julie says:

    Thank you for sharing this Shiv xxx