On Broken Promises and Breaking the Chains of Habit, Day 1 of 40

I’m squirming and resisting, the reasoning inside my head sounded logical but then again, let’s face it, it often does that at the time only later to reveal itself as a cute little self-sabotage move.

Ugh why do I get myself into these situations. I need a declaration moratorium!

So what is it this time you might ask? I am assuming you are there, hello you :). So yes, back to whats; going on right now.

It’s that ecstatic whisper I heard two nights ago that I answered by declaring I would write for the next 40 days. I say ecstatic because it was-at the time. It sounded like THE best idea ever, and I totally understand the intention behind the thought, As always my mind reacted all too quickly with an equally ecstatic YES so that I would be on the hook.

Yep, I can get on the hook with myself, no public declaration needed, though that can really seal the deal, I guess this post is that further declaration-see it happens organically!

I need an app that judgment tests me every time my mind declares what I am about to do next. Any takers?

And no, I’m not expecting anyone else to keep track, or even necessarily care, whether my words show up daily. As one of my dearest teachers would remind me, this is between me and the Guru.

This is not about others holding me accountable, it’s about me being held accountable to me, and then following through. As many ways as I have learned to spin it, it always comes down to this simple fact, it’s all about being accountable to me.

Yep, this one’s all about me (which means if you are reading this, that this is all about YOU, but you probably already got that). It’s about showing up to honor the commitments I make with myself in order to re-write the overwhelming empirical evidence from decades of breaking more commitments with myself than have been kept!

Maybe you want to bow out here, perhaps you’re screaming, “But I keep my agreements with myself”. If this is the case, you are good to go, and on your way out do leave a note with your secret, you are few and far between.

Now back to those of us still left, don’t hang your head low, chin up baby, YOU are the one you’ve been waiting for, I know it may be hard to see right now but cozy up and read (or listen) along. It’s inside of me and its; inside of you too :). We will get to that more as we go.

Back to me and that crazy declaration-I told you it was all about me. The thing is, telling others what to do and how to live their lives is just not my gig. I mean that might sound odd coming from a coach, but isn’t the best kind of coach the one who brings out the special parts of the one they are working with? How can we do that by telling them what to do? Where is there space for the special part to appear?

I watch FaceBook and see others pointing fingers as they declare their opinions, spewing them out like venomous snake spit out poison. They don’t mean to spit venom, they (mostly) mean well, they have seen the light and want others to see it too. As Rumi so wisely said, Yesterday I was clever and wanted to change the world. Today I am wise and want to change myself”. The world does not want changing!

One can also think of the lighthouse, it doesn’t go out looking for ships, it doesn’t wait to cast it’s light until it knows a ship is coming, it just stands there being a lighthouse for any ships that come across it.

That’s the kind of writing I want to do, lighthouse writing not venom spitting! I mean who has ears to hear those messages?

I’ve been distracted from sharing because I have been thinking I had to write a certain way. And then I started making videos and that was easy. The writing got relegated to (a gazillion) notecards – more on those later.

Yep, I got all caught up in fear and stories, a potent combo for getting you all caught up, I know that’s not just me, I know you are nodding your head right now as well. And don’t get me wrong, I am still caught up, that’s why I am here sharing with you right now.

So that all being said, I am here to declare that I want to share more (written) stories and inspiration. I don’t want to tell you how to live or eat or love or be. The soap box approach bores me and I’m certain it must bore you too. But I do want to share some the tales and beauty I have encountered along the way. In the same way I would love to hear about yours.

I am happy to write daily, even when we are crazy busy, even though just reading this makes me feel a little queasy, not living up to my word sucks, and then letting you in on the failure sucks more, so I better put my sucky pants away and get my typing fingers to work. My writing muscles need a good 40 day run to loosen up and feel free enough to circulate once again.

These writing promises have been circulating within me since I left law in 2001. Of course I have volumes upon volumes of writing, I just haven’t shared them. It’s time I at least stop the voice that reminds me once again the words didn’t make it to the page or outside world. Just more thoughts jumbling up on top of one another.

I’m tired of saying I will do it when……. I am fully nailed to the present moment right now and when is nowhere near now! Here’s the thing about when, it is always when and never now! Today those chains of habit hold me no more. I declare independence on my terms.

So here’s the deal, like any good liberated lawyer I am making a few carves outs and revisions to the original goal. I will:

1. Write and post daily for the next 40 days, if only one word,
2. Share stories from the time of the fire to the current day, and
3. Not worry about logic and just write whatever I want to share.

It’s funny how easy it is to break a promise to ourselves. When I make a commitment with a friend or colleague, I keep it. When I have a commitment with myself I have historically been HORRIBLE in the execution. The problem with this is that even when the outside world doesn’t know anything about the broken promises littering our inner halls of habit, the only two people who are looking are the most important, us and Spirit.

Every time we fail to follow through sets a precedent for the next time to go the same. Habit is swift and can catch hold of us before we know it. The next thing we know we are habitually making and breaking promises like it’s what we do.

hains of habit are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken”-Warren Buffet.

Tonight I once again toss my (self-imposed) chains to the side. I said I would write and I believe that there is sound reason to this, like an old engine, my words need time to warm up and get through my system. They don’t have to be perfect they just have to be here.

SIDENOTE; What if I could adopt that last sentiment as a way of being? I don’t have to be perfect I just have to be here…totally a side note as this spills out, but one worth thinking about now that it has made an appearance on the page. What if YOU could adopt this sentiment as well? Stay tuned, I do believe you can.

I recently came across some of the emails I wrote to my dear friends Goyo and Joseph when I was still practicing law, from the months preceding the fire. I was so wretched sitting in my self imposed red carpet penitentiary (otherwise known as the office!). Quite the emotional ride reading the words of that girl who lived a very different life at that time. Same skin, same body, but all different.

Little did I know when writing these emails that the fire would happen and my life would change forever. Though I did have an inkling, deep down inside, that something in my world was about to change that may shatter it before it put it back together. I wrote about it in March 2001. The fire was September 9, 2001. Life would never be the same again.

These are the stories I want to share.

Yep, I like how that feels as it spills onto the page. Much better, which only goes to show that even when you have made a commitment it is better to modify it so you can keep it, than to rigidly accept it only to fail at some point during. Yes you can take the girl out of law but you can’t take the law out of the girl, I continue to make carve outs to my agreements with myself (and others) and with awareness, this can be a very powerful tool, without awareness it can be the ultimate self sabotage-it’s a thin line to dance.

So let the stories begin :). I do love a good story, if you have one please share it (or the link) below, stories keep my world going round.

Ok that really was all about me, LOL. But I’m sure that you saw a little you in there as well. How much do you relate? And do you also find it easier to keep promises with others than with yourself? I would love to know, it’s always good to see you are not the only nutter out there! It’s not misery that loves company, nutters do too :).

Loving you always in all ways, shine bright, be the lighthouse and let the world bask in your light.

Sat nam