On Fear Dancing With Faith and Taking A Leap

It was a spur of the moment thing to re-open the blog.  In fact it was so quick I am still reeling from the rashness of my fingers that quickly reached for my iPhone to share this latest genius idea with the world according to FaceBook.

Yep, I declared that I would post on my cold blog every day during the month of December.

It all started this afternoon when I was pondering my ideas board.  Taking up most of the wall at the side of my desk it is covered in multi-colored scribbles and post-it notes that have been building up over the past few months since we put it up.

Ideas squeezed between ideas, quotes, statements, questions and observations that I want to spend more time thinking about.

Actually they go up there because they are ideas for writing.  But like any good planner and gatherer I have been sitting here and planning and gathering for long enough.  The writing, as always, has yet to happen.

It is the first day of the last month of the year.  Before I walked through a different life door I saw the month of December as one long invitation to party my (all too big) ass off and show the world what a good time even a sad girl like me could have (given the right alcohol and drugs that is!).

It was all hollow of course, and only served to make me feel more desolate and alone within the empty, dark corridors of my soul.

But that’s not my life any more.  My (now not so big) ass no longer parties or uses recreational drugs to show she’s having a good time. She found peace and just doesn’t need those props anymore.

And the beginning of December is not the end of the year, I see 1/12 of the year left to plant or tend to any seeds that were on my list this time last year.  Like any farmer I know the key is in how I tend to my soil.

I see December as a time to tidy up loose ends and get clear for the beginning of a fresh New Year and the passing of yet another anniversary of me choosing a different way.  I see it as a time to set intentions before the holiday season takes full swing and swallows us into the tunnel of blind hope that many call New Year’s resolutions.

Anyway, I sat here today and looked at my board.  It needs to be clear for the New Year, I thought.  The next thing I know I am posting a photo of it on FaceBook along with the declaration that my board needs to be cleared for the New Year, my blog is laying cold and I am itching to write.

My heart was pounding and my hands a little shaky as I wrote the post.
Fear has kept me from writing. I have been dithering and dithering be damned or written about!

There I said it out loud.  But as much as I fear sharing my thoughts, something inside is louder than the fear itself.  And even when I sit here paralyzed by the ideas constantly running through my mind, along with the promises of what is going to happen and when (they rarely come to fruition of course), all I can think of is writing.

And then the tidal wave of reasons I cannot write present themselves.  They are not always about not being good enough, they are more crafty than that.  They come and distract me from the task at hand, namely sitting to write, to get me to do other things, like cleaning, gardening, cooking, sorting, anything but writing, there is just too much to do, the voice says, but maybe later when the rest is done, it adds feebly.

Ha! Anyone can “think” about writing and that is where I got stuck. Thinking about what makes me special to write?  I’ve never felt good enough to write-whatever that means!

And here’s the 911 on that last statement.

Writers are not special people because they are writers, the fact that they are writers who actually write makes them special.  It doesn’t matter who we are, if we can speak we can write, but so many, myself included, get stuck in not feeling special enough to write when the very act of actually sitting down to do the thing we think about all the time makes us feel even better than special.

What a paradox staring me in the face all this time, I’m sure by this point it’s laughing it’s ass off at my slowness to get this.

And of course, it is easy to say and pretty darned challenging to execute.  It all starts with one word and then another.  And it takes practice, dedication and determination to meet the page daily no matter what.

In fact the likelihood is, the more there is going on in my external life the more necessary it becomes to me to take the time to get out the words brewing inside. Do you feel that or is that just me?

Anyway, for something so simple it took me a long time to get!  And only time will tell if I truly get it.

I am willing to have faith in my intentions this time.

I want to write my way into 2014 and not be thinking about writing in the New Year.  I don’t want to go into 2014 itching to write, I want to be writing and itching when I don’t.  Life is too precious to get stalled by my own versions of fear and doubt.  I know this all too well.

12 years ago when I was sitting in my office in downtown San Francisco living the high life of an international lawyer, I could never have imagined my (now) daily life was even possible.

For whatever reasons I have let the words build up inside of me and in pages and pages of ideas, fearing the very act of releasing them to the world yet yearning to do so at the same time.

I have dabbled here and there but it is only a teeny fraction of what is written and swirling inside.  A constant commentary on life running in the background.  Questions being asked and answers being found, all waiting to see the light of day but trapped by the fear of not being good enough.

Of course I have theories about why I feel this way but here’s the thing, at some point our stories must become our his-stories (or her-stories!) and we need to co-create the ones ahead from where we are now rather than where our stories might place us.

So as rambled and garbled as this may be, this is me turning up for my own declaration, doing what I yearn to do more deeply than anything else and that is to write, to share my thoughts, feelings, and observations, to be a light like so many have been and still are for me.

There just comes a time when you gotta let your doubt dance with your faith and take a leap. At this point I have a whole lotta fear and even more faith.  It is time for the dance to take a different turn.

For me that time is now.

It’s starting with this exercise in showing up to write daily and we can check off Day 1 as complete.   It’s not about what I write (for now), or who reads it (of course that would be nice).  It’s about getting out of my own way.  It’s about opening the portal that I have kept firmly closed under promise of opening at some future date that just keeps eclipsing into yet another promise of an even further out date.

It’s time to let my fingers itch and tell me when they need to tap the keyboard.

I’ve dabbled here before.

I know once the portal opens it is a 24/7 commitment.  Fingers itch at all times of day and night and sometimes refuse to wait to be discharged commanding immediate attention.  This is one of the reasons I always note where I am and the time when I write.

These are some of my favorite time and they can also be exhausting!

For the next 29 days I will be back to share one thing from the idea board each day.  Feels good to keep a promise to myself, it always does-of course it makes me wonder why I don’t do it more often which is a different discussion but worth noting.

And even as I type these last words a familiar feeling rises up in me.

That voice starts.

“Why would anyone want to read your garbled thoughts?”

I have to say I tend to agree, but as I said it’s not about that right now.  So here I am.  In all my “garbledness” showing up so I can live inside myself better.

I’m letting my doubts dance with my faith, I’m taking a leap and I am still standing.  For now.

Is this just me, or does anyone else out there go through this crap to get to the keyboard?  I would love to know you if you do .

And if you need a quick swift month long of December doing something that you have been putting off let me know below, I would love to support you in finishing this year strong.

It’s time to be the most radical version of ourselves possible. Viva the Inner Revolution, may she spur us to action.

Challenge done, time to hot tub under the stars, sweet rewards at the end always help :).

Live. Love. And Be Loved.

And never give up your dreams to your fears, let them dance it out and find the poetry they create together.